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Chris H.

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My future lies beyond the yellow brick road. [Feb. 10th, 2005|02:02 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |hopefulhopeful]
[sound |Antony and the Johnsons]

I think that the last entry I wrote was a nice conclusion to this journal. I started it at the beginning of a really big change for me. And even bigger changes are starting for me now, and so I've made a new journal. You can find it here. It's friends only, but if you're reading this I've probably added you already.
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I've finally stopped tearing out the sutures [Feb. 9th, 2005|11:37 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |okayokay]
[sound |Jens Lekman]

Today was so good for me. Last night was my worst night of the past week. I laid on the floor crying for a long time, pulled myself up, and still on my knees in front of the desk wrote such a pitifully desperate email as I have never seen or written in my life. I sent it to the girl I just couldn't let go. Worried about it all day, I got back at 3:00 to read the reply. I didn't see it.

So I went to my counseling session at 4. My counselor really helped me to understand a lot of why I have been taking this so hard. It really didn't help to know, I guess, but combined with what I read later made me feel a lot better.

So, the initial reply was just devastating. It just basically told me that there was no hope of seeing her again. I cried. I sent another desperate reply, asking more of the same questions. I went to work.

Getting back, I finally got some of the answers I wanted. I was never good to her. I thought I was, but I wasn't. Making her open her own doors, never taking her out of my room, and never telling her she's gorgeous, I completely took her for granted. And I'm so glad to know how wrong I was. I guess all I was holding onto was the idea that I really hadn't done anything wrong, and now that I know, I can move by myself. I'll work on things. It's just so hard when you enter your first romantic relationship at 20. Never having learned the right things to do, you know? I wish I would have met a girl in high school who I thought I could be happy with. Someone who could learn along with me. But it didn't work out that way. I cried again, but the first time it wasn't hopeless, desperate, painful crying. I don't know what it was, but this time, it felt like with every tear, the crack in my heart was closing up more and more. It didn't finish completely. Her memory is saving a space for her.

Either way, I'm so glad that Sarah was a part of the last three months or so of my life. I really hope that we'll be able to start this again, and I'm going to wait. But in the meantime, I can't just sit around feeling sorry for myself. There are things I need to do for myself. And maybe when I'm better prepared, I can hold her again. I can tell her how much I love the striped blazer she's wearing and the way her hair is curled or tied up with a white ribbon as I open the car door for her, and we'll go to the theatre, or a poetry reading, or a rock and roll show, or a party, or the Hershey Gardens when the butterfly house is open, or a dance, or a sideways walk up a hill with a squirrel while the sun is smiling down at us. That is my dream. It's my dream for myself. Not for her, not for anyone but me. But I'm not going to dream while I'm awake anymore. No, instead I'm going to work on making those dreams come true. I would have loved for her to be there to see me do it, but no matter what I'm going to be ok.

It's true I always wanted love to be hurtful.
And it's true I always wanted love to be filled with pain...

I'll grow back like a starfish.
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(no subject) [Feb. 5th, 2005|04:31 pm]
Chris H.
i need some alcohol. right now.
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sigh [Jan. 23rd, 2005|12:26 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |blahblah]
[sound |Bright Eyes]

You are a Rocker Girl!

If you don't have musical talent, you've got a talent for picking out great CD's.
Music rules your life - and you've got the best MP3 collection of anyone you know.
Many guys find you intimidating, but a select few think you're the catch of a lifetime.
Start hanging out in more used record stores, and you'll find love with a fellow rocker!

What Kind of Girl Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

If you're desperate enough, this site claims that it can help you find the love of your life (as well as some other stupid quizzes).

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(no subject) [Jan. 20th, 2005|05:55 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |confusedconfused]
[sound |The Impossible Shapes]

Should I go home this weekend? Sarah cannot join me tomorrow evening. If I come home tomorrow, would any of you home folk like to join me for some kind of activity?

Also, I updated my myspace. I made it look cool too. check it out.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2005|07:19 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |coldcold]
[sound |Air]

Well, since updating last, I have secured a job at the Falcon Express, which I begin on Tuesday, and begun receiving counseling. My counselor's name is David Brown. At my first session, I had to tell him my life story as directed by his questions. I was really uncomfortable, and I was a bit annoyed that he wasn't doing more to make me feel better, but at the very end of the session, he gave me some very encouraging words. So, yeah, that was Thursday.

Friday, I went to take my "Special Points Examination." If you will remember, I had a bit of a run-in with the Carlisle police, resulting in a traffic citation, and hence a few points on my license. Three points, to be precise, in addition to four that I had from a summer speeding offense. That took my grand total to 7. The game of driving, however, is not so much like basketball as it is like golf, the idea being to have as few points as possible. In fact, upon reaching six points, one must take the "Special Points Examination" that I took and passed. I don't really understand what is so "special" about it. It just seemed like an average sort of test to me, but whateva. I only got two wrong out of 20. That's an A-! I also got my picture taken for my renewed license. My mom hated the picture and said she liked the other one better. The "other one" being the one where i was 17 years old, weighed about 40 pounds more, was very nearly frowning, looking down, had a very short haircut, and was wearing a plain white T-shirt. She said of this one that I "look like a convict." Upon asking her how I look like a convict, she told me that my hair is now long and unkempt. And that, apparently, makes me look more like a convict than my last license photo. Whatever. She is crazy, but I love her all the same.

It was Friday that my headache developed. Probably from writing a two-page paper that morning. It was about my visit to a Catholic church. Quite an interesting experience, I must say. It helped me see through a lot of the lies and distortions about the Catholic Church that I had been fed at my conservative Protestant church. So, yeah. I wrote that paper. Then I took it up to one of my professors, as I would be unable to attend most of class because of my "Special Points Examination." She wasn't pleased about me missing class, but she said we could talk about making up the class time I missed.

Later that evening, the most awesome girl in the world came over, and we watched a movie.

Saturday was amazing. When I wasn't eating a meal, I was laying in bed listening to music. That's what I did all day, until I went to see "Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow" at the Boyer Cinema. It was good, but not good enough. I almost regret seeing it. Pity. It had a lot of potential, i think.

Today, I skipped church. That's been a bad habit when I'm at school. I guess it's because I don't have anyone to go with. And don't get me wrong, church shouldn't be a completely social thing, but it's hard to be motivated to go if you're going to be alone the whole time.

When I finally did wake up, I stumbled to the bathroom with the intent to get a shower. Still not fully conscious, I was greeted by a sign on the door that said "Bittner 2nd- Women". I had never been more confused in my life. I thought "How did I get here?" As I started to turn back toward my room, I finally realized that the sign was only paper, and someone had obviously moved it from its original location.

Shortly after I would have been coming back from church, my mother came. We went to the mall. I got the latest Air record. It was a pricey 20 U.S. dollars, but I had been wanting it since its release last year, so I thought it would be worth it. So, I bought it at one of two FYE's in the mall. I made my way around the mall, visiting Hot Topic, Fish Bone, Waldenbooks, and some very expensive Men's Clothing Store. I thought surely two hours had passed, so I sat down to wait for my mom. I got bored, so I decided to open up my 20 dollar CD and page through the booklet. After I was finished with that, my mom had still not appeared, so I went for another walk. It was then that I noticed that the other FYE was closing and having a clearance sale. 20-50 percent off of everything. I was like, "Wow, this is awesome. I'll just return my CD and buy it in here." I looked, and sure enough, Talkie Walkie was also available in this store. So I reached into my coat pocket for the copy I bought from the other FYE in hopes of returning it. To my horror, I touched the unwrapped CD and remembered my mistake of being too curious about artwork and lyrics. I almost cried. Then I got a chai at a small coffee shop and felt better. But still, I could have saved at least 4 dollars. Oh well. Life goes on, and the album is great.

I also got some pretty sweet coupons for FYE. One is for 5 dollars off of any DVD, and another is for 10 dollars off any DVD box set above 25 dollars. I hope I get a chance to use them.

Tomorrow is Martin Luther King Jr. Day, and I will be doing nothing.

Oh, there is a Pedro the Lion show at the Troc on Groundhog Day, if anyone is interested. Also, Jens Lekman will be in Philly on the 13th with The Impossible Shapes. I would like to go to that show as well, because I think the Impossible Shapes new album is going to be amazing. I heard some samples from it, and I hope that it will be released before the show. I hope to have a car on campus over the weekend of the 13th, because I want to do something special with someone special on the 14th, so with or without you, I plan on going to the latter show mentioned in this paragraph. Still, I would appreciate any company I can get. Like I said, I would drive.

Whoa, this is one hell of an entry, eh? I guess I'll cut it off here. Have a good week.

Oh, right. The quote of the day (I'm sure you were worried about it):

"Hey Dustin, don't let the X-Files get you!" -Philip Koppenhaver
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(no subject) [Jan. 11th, 2005|09:32 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |sleepysleepy]

For one reason or another, I have lost interest in livejournal. But, Dustin is BEGGING me for an update, and I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I have been busy. I applied for a job at "The Falcon Express" and I have an interview at 8:30 in the a.m. I also filled out and turned in my pre-counseling paperwork and have a session on Thursday at 9:00.

Phil came to visit on Sunday night. The only words the two of us uttered during his visit were "Fuck!," "Shit!," and "YES!". And we weren't even speaking those words to each other so much as to the television on which we were playing Mario Kart. It was a good time. Phil was victorious, but it was close.

I guess that's about all. I took a test today. I kicked its ass.

Perhaps I can start having a "quote of the day" section to liven this thing up a little...

Here it goes...

Quote of the Day: "The toughest thing is to love somebody that has done something harmful to you... especially when that somebody has been yourself." -Fred Rogers
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thermometer [Jan. 6th, 2005|07:00 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |confusedconfused]
[sound |Mewithoutyou]

I don't feel like my Galileo thermometer works. If it's really between 76 and 80 degrees in here, why are my feet cold? Functional or not, it's aesthetically pleasing, so whatever. I win.
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dum dum dum dum dum dum bee dum dum [Jan. 5th, 2005|10:30 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |sleepysleepy]
[sound |Future Soundtrack for America]

Well class started today. I am rocking the Intro to Christian theology with Drew, Lucas, Charles, Paul, and a bunch of other people I know. There are two professors. Dr. Susie Stanley and Dr. John Stanley. They are awesome. It seems like it's going to be a good time. I still haven't done my homework for tomorrow, though. I guess I'll just get up early.

Oh, something really weird happened when I was eating dinner today. It was a good day for me, socially. I met a few new people in my class and became reacquainted with some I already knew. Anyway, I was presented with another opportunity to meet someone in the dining hall. I was eating a slice of apple pie and a bearded hippie came up to me. Our conversation was as follows:

HIPPIE: Nice pants.
CHRIS: Thanks. They're boy scout pants.
[awkward silence]
HIPPIE: Green is the way to go.
CHRIS: Definitely.
[HIPPIE exits stage right]

Very awkward. For the record, I am capable of liking boy scout pants and disliking the organization, which is definitely the case for me.
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Dustin's quiz [Jan. 4th, 2005|05:18 pm]
Chris H.
[temper |coldcold]
[sound |Mewithoutyou]

Best Accomplishment:
Getting a B+ on a 7 page research paper begun 16 hours before it was due.

Best CD:
Green Day's "American Idiot"

Best Movie:
Garden State!

Worst Movie:
Van Helsing (even though I didn't see it)

Biggest Dissapointment:
4 more years of Bush (thanks a lot Edwards!).

If you could do one thing differently in the past year, what would it be:
Start my research paper sooner

Biggest wish for 2005:
To get well.

Anything to look forward to:
Spring break (I am determined to enjoy it this time)
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